Late Night Random Thoughts
Late night random thoughts.
I hate when I start to think randomly about my life, but this always happens and I don't know how to avoid it. Sometimes it could brings me tears and sometimes I barely can even think clearly.
This always ate me up and I can even blank stare for 2 hours long and more.
I know everybody has their ups and downs in their life, because it is life. If you're not having the ups and downs it means you are dead. Even a person who acts like they don't care about their life must have their own ups and downs.
And me, right here, I feel like I'm at the very bottom position of my life. I'm feeling down, yeah I can even say so down that I barely can think a slight of happiness that I had before this.
I don't know how I got very emotional into this, but I feel like I've been here before and this time feels so much different.
I feel like I don't know who I am anymore, I don't know what I'm doing, I don't know what I'm hoping and so on.
I feel like I just made a very wrong decision and it slightly about everything.
About my college, my friends, my relationships, my goals, my feelings and others.
Just so you know, this is the real me who wrote this, this is from the very bottom of my heart to tell you about this. And believe it or not, like I said, it brings me tears.
I know it sounds so cheesy and like I was so excessive but I just want to feel a lil bit relief at least. Because, I don't know who to talk to.
I know I always act like I don't care about everything, some of them is true but some of them are not.
It's true that I don't care about drama
It's true that I don't care about grade
it's true that I don't care a single thing about being thin or have a great body.
But....
The drama about boys always ate me up, eventhough I really hate this but this kinda prob always got me.
The grade.... I do care about how my parents are going to think when they see my grade
To have great body... I don't care about it at all, but I am tired to feel insecure about my self, I am lack of confidence, and I do care about what people think of me.
So... It is like actually I do care about everything.
Tomorrow is going to be the final exam for the service subject and front office subject, and I haven't studied anything yet. Usually, I always studied at last minute because I was so calm, but this time I don't know why but I'm so freaking out and panic. But that still doesn't make me want to study.
You know what, recently I got this very often, like people telling me that I'm such a very passive person. I feel like I'm not. Or maybe, I feel like I was not at all. But now, I don't know.
I could think maybe that's true.
Because I speak what is important, if not then I'm in silent.
Like I'm always watching everybody talks about something that is so useless and less important and "formalitas" and that makes me sick, so instead of talking at the same way, I shut my mouth up. Every damn time.
Then I'm start to thinking, being a hotel staff couldn't be like this, and that means I need to fake myself, and that makes me think that I actually wrong to study about Hotel and Tourism which is learning about hospitality. This is not me, not me at all. Not my passion, the people surroundings are also not hm you know like there is no connection between me and them.
In addition, drama about my relationship. I don't care who the hell is fucking going to read this but yes I'm sad when to hear that he's already with someone else new. Of course I'm sad, I'm not going to be a two-faced person. How the hell I'm not going to be sad, eventhough I was the one who over it, but that doesn't mean I want to be with a new guy. I just want to explore more and to understand myself more also. But, there he is, only within less than 2 months, with someone new. What do you think our relationship was about? Meaningless? Yeah, I hope this time you and your former bestfriend together become the very perfect relationship okay. Never argue like you and I did before, never criticize each other, I hope she never get jealous of you everytime you hanging out with your girl friends like I did, yeah I hope she's the one.
I know I act like I don't care, I know that I show you most of the time that I'm having fun with my guy friends and forgetting all of the things about you but that is so wrong. Because if it's true, then our relationship was so fake and joke, but it wasn't for me. I don't know from what you thought. I do having fun with them, but that's it. I don't do love to my bestfriends like you did to yours.
The relationship that we had was the most real relationship that I've been on with a guy, but I don't know why I just can't stand over it for a commitment, I want to be free as long as I am young. And that doesn't mean I want to be far away from you, and that doesn't mean that I don't want to communicate with you. You are the one who can't stand in not being in status, even you are the one who always said that you love me more than I do to you. Well, the reality?
You know I love you, and I will always will. You know what I needed was only a break, but you didn't want to. You chose to end it all instead of giving me a break. Well, I don't mean to blame you but thank you. Thank you for making me to end it over, thank you for showing me what the real guy you were. You know the damn well if I love someone, eventhough that person had break me over and over again, no matter what I'm still going to accept them. That could be for you maybe if you think that I meant something to you, but if it's not then maybe it is the end, yes like the way you want it.
I'm so sorry for everything, I really am. And I hope your relationship with her last forever or at least last longer than you and I had before.
I don't know what I am going to do in my internship, just hhope that it could give me incrdible experience that I never had before in my life.
Maybe that's all, thank you for letting me sharing this with no worries.
(But I do still worry about the final exam that is coming this morning)
Goodnight!
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